A massage therapists 'Happy Ending'

"Do You Do Massage?" — And Other Questions That Make Me Sigh

I recently came across an infographic doing the rounds among therapists called "Massage Inquiry Red Flags: Code Words Every Therapist Should Know."

It lists the usual suspects - full service, happy ending, extra services, table shower, rub and tug - alongside the behavioural tells: cash only, "can you come tonight," "no questions asked," "I'll pay extra."

Reading it, I laughed, because I could have written it myself from twenty years of experience.

And then I sighed, because apparently the script hasn't changed in twenty years either.

The Choreography

By now I can spot it within the first line. It almost always opens with:

Them: "Do you do massage?"

Me: (Erm — that is, quite literally, what I advertise. But I answer in good faith.) "Yes, I offer massage and reflexology, with 20 years' experience as a professional practitioner."

Them: "What kind of massage?"

Me: "I use a range of techniques aimed at muscle relaxation and relief from discomfort."

Them: "Do you do full body?"

Me: "I offer a 90-minute session, which is enough time to address most of the musculoskeletal system."

By this point I usually know exactly where it's going. I could shut it down in one line. Instead, I let the conversation continue - deliberately, blandly professional - because if someone is going to ask me for something illegal, they can do the work of asking outright. I'm not going to do the emotional labour of reading between their lines for them.

Eventually, they get there. "Happy ending?" "Sensual massage?"

And there it is.

What Confuses Me

What genuinely puzzles me isn't that this happens - sadly, it's an occupational hazard for anyone offering hands-on bodywork.

It's why it happens to me specifically, given that my website, my social presence, and even my terms and conditions go out of their way to signal the opposite.

There's an image on that very page that says, in as many words, "no happy endings." My conduct clause spells out that inappropriate remarks or behaviour get treatment withdrawn on the spot, full fee still payable, no further bookings.

Why I Let It Play Out

I know some therapists shut this down at word one. I get the logic - it saves time.

But I've landed on a different approach: I make it as long and unproductive as possible for them. Partly out of professional principle (I'm not the ignorance police; I answer what I'm asked, professionally, every time).

Partly, I'll admit, because I want them to sit with the discomfort of having to actually say it. If you want something illegal, you should have to name it - not have me infer it and do the deflecting on your behalf.

Over to You

I'm curious how other practitioners handle this. Do you shut it down at the first "code word"? Do you have a scripted response?

Do you ask for ID or a booking form up front specifically to filter this out?

Or do you, like me, let horny Joe Public dig his own hole?

Drop your strategies below - the more scripts we have on hand, the less time we all waste on this nonsense.

If you've ever wondered why a professional therapist's booking page reads like a legal document, this is why.

My message boils down to: Dont sexually harass or solicit any massage treatment provider!